im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
