i need an iv and a liver transplant
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Randomize
