you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Church boner. Awkwardddd
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
