Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
