Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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