I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Randomize