I'm lost and stupid without you.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
