i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Still dying that you shit outside
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
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