Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
well most of my day revolves around power hour
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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