When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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