i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
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