hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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