I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
