Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
