Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
