I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
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