You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize