my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
