Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
