instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
