i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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