That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
They have beer where we have blood.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
