He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Bang-toberfest begins!!
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
