the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Randomize
