Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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