Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
