mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
why do cheetos always look like penises
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
