Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
