last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
he puts the penis in happiness.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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