"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
