I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
