im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
