I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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