I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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