Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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