So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
