I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Randomize
