Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
