My liver just broke up with me...
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Randomize
