i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
