between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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