Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
