I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
