I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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