Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
