Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
