There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
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