It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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