I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
