Only a mothe r could love this liver
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
