Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
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