3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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