I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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