I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
