im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize