so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
