Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
